Put this on, you'll be less conspicuous.
Mr. Dix, meet the President.
Mr. President, is that really you?
That depends on what you mean by is.
... are that really you? - Of course it's me.
I keep telling these people about my birthmark. Here, take a look.
I'm the only man with a birthmark like that. Almost a perfect four-leaf clover.
It does look like a four-leaf clover. - lf that isn't sufficient,
then give me the name of someone who plays the sax as good as this.
Mr. President, I'm convinced. My name is Marshal Dix,
International Security Force. I'm here to take you back to Washington...
where you belong. - Great. Yea.
Cassandra!
When did you get here?
Surely, you didn't think it was going to be as easy as all that, did you, Dix?
Now, do you wish to become a Rodman or a Rodham?
I see the President is getting upset. Perhaps we should switch him...
with Cassandra. - Alright, that's he does it!
You're under arrest! And so are these bozos, here.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be written down...
Seize them!
Such grace... Such property...
What a cunning stunt.
Any move and I'll ripe your faces off.
I was a sucker for that romantic talk. This young woman...
could not only sing like a dove, she was blessed with a serene peace...
that would have been at home in a Tibetan monastery.
She had everything: the delicate footwork of a ballet dancer,
the high-kicks of a Rockette. Boy, did I love those high-kicks.
Very impressive. But now as they say, it's your turn to bite the dust.
I'm glad you were here. I feel safe with you.
Let's not talk about me. We gotta get out of here. Follow her, Mr. President.
Captain Pasquale. See if you can locate Lieutenant Shitzu and doctor Kunstler.
Meet us in front of the research center. We're heading for Washington D.C.
and the White House and bring your make-up case.
Who was this guy? - Come on, all of you, Rupert up again,
come on Kubrick, pull yourself together, up, that's it, good boys, good boys.
No, no, wait, let them go.
Di pasquale worked hard and fast to disguise the President as Fidel Castro,
or ZZ Top, take your pick. Anyway, it was the perfect way...
to get to Washington. - lt's me, it's me.
Oh sorry. Step back. Please. - I wonder if ZZ Top needs a sax player?
It was good to see Washington D.C. again, but this was no time to sightsee.
In couple of days, that clone-clown would be shooting his mouth off in Paris.
I'd contracted Secretary Osgood. He came up with a water tight plan...
to make the switch. - Okay guys, time for me...
to shake hands with little willie.
Marshal, did you bring an umbrella? - No, just grab him before he takes aim.
Di Pasquale disguised the President that nobody would think twice about.
A dirty old man.
Yes.
At the Three Tenors Gala Concert in Paris this Friday night,
following the International Heads of State Conference,
I will announce changes that will benefit...
the future of our world forever. - Good job. Well done, everyone.
Now all that remains is to get our friend off to clone heaven.
We kept Earth to ourselves for far too long. - What?
Hey, that's Doctor Pratt? - Yea, yea, it's-a him!
We must be willing to reach out...
Please, there are forces at work here, let's just forget about it and move on.
Now if someone will give me a hand getting our imposter out of here...
Wait. This is moving a little too fast. I think there are forces at work.
But I think that they're our own. More than possible,
that we've been set up to put clone in the White House...
And take the real President out. - Right.
Why are you the President? - Because of the birthmark!
When you're cloned, your birthmark is cloned, too.
But I don't have a birthmark! I had it removed three months ago.
Personal reasons. If you'll give me a little help, I'll show you.
Oh, my God! - Doctor Künstler,
the birthmark should be on the side! - You see where there used to be something,
but now there is no birthmark there now. - There is a simple solution.
One dead president. - So it's not just Doctor Pratt,
it's you, too. - Very good, Dix.
Now that really is a job well done. - Not well enough done, Mr. President.
Do you have anyone you can trust who can get us to Paris? -Yes.
The President's plan was genuine but his travel plans didn't fly.
Then suddenly our luck turned full circle and we were airborn.
The job was to undo what I had already undone. There was the president,
and he had a birthmark on his left hip to prove it.
We had the real president...
but he had removed the birthmark, so we couldn't prove anything.
How it would be all worked out, I didn't know, but I did know
that the President had to make every effort to keep his pants on.
Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you.
Bonjour, bonjour.
C, what is a four letter word for word?
Do you have reservation. - I have reservations about being asked...
about if we have reservations. In America they have Indians,
they have reservations, but no one asks if they have them.
What is that? - That is a hockey cup.
Yea, we use it to play sand hockey in the desert...
Do you have identification. - Well, yea...
Ah, prince yaboty of Jabooty, good to see you son,
take this, it's me Shitzu...
Good to see you. Oh my god.
Doctor Pratt wouldn't look under this. - You look too conspicuous.
Me, how about you? That arab accent sounds kind of German.
Ah, really, it is a rat trap...
Do you have an invitation? - Yes, of coarse.
The artist formerly known as...
It is Prince, in disguise. Excuse me Mr. Formally known as,
smile please. Wait, you're not the artist...
formely known as Prince. The real artist is over here.
My God, it's the Pope. Come on Dix, let's get out of here before he corners us.
They serve Italian dinner tonight.
I think I'll have the Toreodor.
Yabooty, yabooty, you camel, pay me what you owe me.
Keep a low profile. Did he call me a camel.
They wanted you to play a saxophone solo after which intermission?
The White House itinerary said after the first intermission that I would...
appear magically on stage through a trap-door. But we don't have a sax.
We will. - Hey hello,
do you want to taste an ice-cream, it's very very good. Here, take it.
Or maybe you like vanillia, vanillia is wonderful,
the best Italien ice flavor. Pistachio, bonissimo. You like ice cream.
No. - No, thank you very much.
Gelati, gelati, gelati!
Mon sax. Voleur.
Ice cream, gelat? italiana, chocolato, vanillia, gorgonzola...
Oh signore, congratulations. This is a great ice cream, it...
Sir, you will have to move! - Please. Let it go.
Shit!
I'm sorry Ms. President, I'm really sorry. - No, no, it was only an accident.
You see, it was only an accident. - Okay, we got this, go back to work.
Thanks for stopping by. - I see our friends are here.
Do you want an ice cream. - I think we'd better alert the police.
I think I better go check to find out what's going on.
The gang's all here.
Oh, ice cream.
One is disguised as an ice cream vendor, the other as a French police officer.
What, merde! - lnspector Wazoo,
the President's life may be at stake.
We will search zi place from top to bottom. Allons! Vite! Allons! Casse-toi!
We knew where they were at the hotel in Washington, didn't we, Osgood?
You had to be there. You were busy being the man in the moon. I was there.
They only can make the switch under the stage at the trap-door lifts.
Let's take a look, shall we? - Let's go get your saxophone...
and check backstage. - What did the Japanese delegation say?
Oh, you can't understand a word they say. They said, would I enjoy sushi.
Well I said sure thing man, send Suzi to my room.
Oh, I'm just kidding, you could trust me baby.
Hey, this is no a rap concert. I hate Opera.
Take this. - Ditch the Arab disguises.
They're checking everyone.
Maybe there'll be some costumes under the stage?
Are you okay?
Where are we? - Under the stage. Do you think, the roof?
There must be something in here,
now you stay in that outfit, so keep your face covered.
There must be something here for me. So we won't look so much like a team.
That a good idea, Dix.
It's mostly woman's clothes in here.
Allo?
- Oui, oui, oui... allo!
That's what I call a really nice prop there Maestro.
Maestro, is it that you? - Yea, yea, it's the Maestro?
Oh, I heard zis crash! Are you alright?
It was an accident. I'm a-changing my robes,
as Pharaoh to the robe I use for singing for farrow in the Aida.
Oh... pardon.
Oh la l?
I told you they were not right.
You know this is probably zee wrong time. But could you just...
sing une petit note, a little note per...
Si, si.
Molto grande, molto grande, molto grande, Clementine.
you gone and I lost forever, molto grande, clementine.
Merci, I'm sorry, these are for yours. - No, no, you keep them, as a memento,
they are not the right condom for my beard.
Merci, I will cherish these. - Arrividerci.
Merci. - Pronto di salami. -Chow.
Pasta di fasa-ota.
What is this? - The platform. Up and down, up and down.
What the hell is this?
Pardon, pardon. You'ave piss? - Well, I had one three hours ago.
Does that count? - Show me your piss.
What? - You need a big-stodge piss.
Backstage... Okay...
I think he said backstage pass...
Don't touch the control panel.
Zis is where everything is controlled.
No one will get pissed while I am here.
Fix the controls.
If it looks like they're going to succeed,
kill the President... the real one that is.
I want them found and seized. - There is no one...
Ah, shut up you fool! I got and a rest now
and then changing my costumes for the second act. When I come back,
you had better have caught them or else... schnip, clip, swish.
Capice?
You know the story about the women in the doctors office. She says, I'm sick.
He says, well here, let me take your temperature through your rectum.
What is a going on here. I am an outrage.
Oh Maestro, oh I have to thank you again for this.
You see I have kept it close to my heart. - What are you talking about,
I didn't give you anything. Besides my condoms are engraved...
with my portrait and covered with fur. These are counterfeit!
Now out of my way! - Oh, counterfeit, Maestro.
Doctor Kunstler is one of them. She's a superspy.
I told you she was a supp... suppository.
I knew she was in bed with Pratt. - What? And she had me in her apartment.
She danced for me, rubbed her body all over mine. Used her tongue.
The slut, a lap dance. - Could have been... Lappland, Finland...
Then she told me about the lion. They mate forty-five times in three hours.
How many times? - You just keep your eyes on Kunstler.
She has order to kill the President.
She gets up on the tables. He gets behind her.
Wardrobe! Wardrobe! Where is my costume?
I know it was here. I hung it myself. - And I'll hang you myself,
if you don't find it. - Luciano! They came to hear you sing,
not see your clothes. - You think the French won't notice...
if I'm on an Italian battlefield fighting the Germans wearing American boxer shorts?
"Hey doctor, that's not my rectum." "Yea, that's ain't my thermometer either."
Mr. President, we're ready for you now:
Well, I'm on. - Good luck snookums.
no more birthmark games tonight, just remember, you don't have one anymore,
but there's a clone and he does have it. So you just keep your pants on tonight...
and keep your fingers crossed that Osgood won't remember what he thought...
he saw in the hotel, thought he didn't see what he thought he saw
in the hotel, I was right the first time.
First the condoms, now my costume. And you still haven't found them.
Your robe. - Sure. Skuzi.
Or rather, that he doesn't know what he thought didn't see in the hotel.
he didn't see the birthmark and...
Monsieur le President. Everything is chicked and ready.
blow your instrument with cuntfidence, knowing that I am holding the fart.
Thank you, thank you, and now, Ladies and Gentlemen,
it gives me great pleasure to introduce our surprise guest.
So far so good. - Don't be a pessimist.
I like the way he blows his horn - My son like to tute too.
Let's go!
You alright?
Here, catch the saxophone.
So, now? - I'll lower the trap door.
You get on it, go up and I'll bring the clone down and put the arm on him.
What?
You messed up things for the last time.
Yes!
Ça va merde!
'oo is'oo?
We have here, two President.
Two of them, my gosh, this could be an interns nightmare.
Two, identicule.
Identical, yes... But are our memories the same?
Here's something I composed when I was six years old. No one knows it.
So, now who is the real President?
Okay... How about this one? I learned it yesterday.
Not so good, huh! There's your clone. He remember everything about my life,
Until the time he was cloned and nothing after that.
Right, there's your clone, Dr Pratt. - You're the one who did this to me.
I'm going to destroy you. You hear me.
What... - Lord, give me a sign.
You've got mail.
God says, let there be music, on with the show.
So much for taking over the world! - I just wanted to rid the world of idiots.
Look out!
Oh that's going to leave a mark.
The solution is, kill the President.
Holy shit baby.
Hasta Lavista baby.
Ladies and Gentlemen, This may have been the greatest save of all time...
and the man responsible for this,
is from Interplanetary Security: Marshal'Dick' Dix.
Thank you, Mr. President. - You're very welcome Marshal Dix
and the world thanks you.
Now I knew what it was like to be a roman candle on the 4th of July.
But this hero stuff was not for me. I was ready to get back on the beat,
hear the wail of sirens and my gun and play with my handcuff...
Yes, I was ready to plant my flag back in Washington D.C.
where every congressmen has the constitutional right to be a felon.
Good old America.
Here's your soup Sir.
Mmm, smells great.
Well, I want to drink a toast.
I want to drink a toast to you.
No to you. You've made the world a safe place again.
Well your high kicks, help out pretty good there, too, you know.
How are things on Vegan? I hear you've gotten a promotion.
Yes, I'm responsible for all new erections.
Congratulations, I'm not a bit surprised.
I love spending my vacations here on earth. This place is so peaceful...
the ocean... the music... The product placements...
Are you alright?
Just picking my teeth.
There's something I need to tell you. I see dead people.
What? - I see dead people. Look.
David Bowie.
Our dessert specials today are silicon hooter pie with whipped cream, for you.
We have silicon-lips ice cream, for you. - And we've got guns,
big guns, for you.
Guns, big guns, those aren't guns...
This is a gun.
Oh, Marshal, you've made the world a safe place again, again.
Your so wonderful, you know you could be my father.
Oh, no, no. That concert was the first time I was in France, ever.
Oh, Richard.